Gawd. this sucks.

Im alone in the studio. portfolio to be done. debts to be paid.

i am still thinking about the messages on the phone  you send, those replies.

Scanning through pictures in FB. Decoding statuses which keeps flowing in.

Lamenting on how boredom easily strike me. I feel like everything don’t make sense anymore.

I feel like i don’t need everything cause lost and confusion lingers in me.

Everything seems pointless, meaningless and it is frustratingly endless.

I don’t like  to critise, curse  or put myself down but its my emotions i can’t control.

Yet, i keep on doing it.

I know i shouldn’t feel this way but i can’t help it. I feel like talking to someone, i know it’s you.

But it’s hard to explain and i know it wouldn’t help much cause it’s my own feeling i can’t control.

It’s going to be much more worse cause  as soon as the feeling comes back again,

i will hate myself for getting out of control. But i have to force myself to control it.

Yesterday, i talked to a friend of mine. It reminds me on the first few months we met,

where we shared advice and exchange our views. It helps. And i miss that moment.

I admit, i do get emo, angry, sad and depressed so easily. It’s just deep down inside of me.

Nobody have to know. I guess it pretty much work that way.

I feel sick just thinking about everything.

When i see gorgeous girls its either;

a. I want to tear their face apart for being so fucking beautiful.

b. I consciously feel myself staring into them. They’ll think im fucking weird.

c. I feel so intimidated, and start feeling so insecure about myself.

Everyone have their defensive mode around them sometimes right?

Its either:

a. Try hard to acheive something or better than everything else.

b. Stop trying so hard, be grateful for whatever.

c. Die trying.

Daughters.

Fathers, be good to your daughters
Daughters will love like you do
Girls become lovers who turn into mothers
So mothers, be good to your daughters too

John mayer

P.S , Im sorry Dad.