Dear G,
I had a nice day yesterday till it comes to an end.
I and (idon’tknowwhat elseishouldcallhimby) went to East Coast Park. Reaching thr at about 1pm. We rented the Trishaw-like mobile. It was cool, it was Fun and seem a wee bit romantic as he did most of the cycling.We went to the Bedok Jetty like how we had our 1st few dates there almost 3 yrs ago. That was when i was doing my Photography Project in year 2. It was a spot where i recalled knowing him and his past and yesterday we had what people would call a closure. We parked the mobile at the Breakwater Huge Stones and sat down on the sand, viewing the sea and where the waters are within reached. It was a peaceful calming atmosphere.
We had an an incomplete mutual agreement months ago about whats happening between us and life as it is now. Don’t get me wrong, its not that we don’t love each other. WE LOVE EACH OTHER HARDCORE, nobody would understand the phase we had gone through. Its just that, i don’t feel stable yet. And i don’t feel at ease at all. Our life hasn’t make any good progress so far, only that time keeps on extending. And people continues on living.
He said ” Maybe we are not meant to be Boyfriends and Girlfriends? Maybe we are better off as friends. Maybe a few years down the road.. it ‘ll be a kind of thing whereby each of us had a relationship again with other people but we would end up marrying each other?” M A Y B E
He did mention if given a chance, he had once told himself he wouldn’t want a relationship after me. Maybe date a few yes , but relationship wise.. hard to say.
haizzz… Yes i am sad. But partly i want this.
He is my guy. My first Love. My first relationship. First kiss. Firststupidfight & shit. My buddy. My friend. My companionship. Like a brother. Like siblings. Perhaps… just maybe. He did confess, where my fault lies is that I overthink. too much. maybe too negatives sometimes. Things that never cross his mind are things that toy and lingers in mine.
Yeah, true that. And i did apologize to him. (Finally, he said). Well, its hard for me to apologize and simply say sorry, cause I meant what i say. Plus, he did the same . Saying sorry and thanks for all the sacrifices that i Did for him for the past Years. Never once did he Regret being with me, because I am always there when he needs me. That’s the thing, what he didn’t realize that I weight all my effort in this as greater than what he gave. And it made we feel like i should back down and deal with my own fucking life first. I had too much of entertaining everyone nonsense that i neglect my own.
He said. I’ll still be here for you. You can call me. You can text me. You can count on me, and i will still treat you as you’re still mine. *insert Richard Max Song -Righthere waiting for you* ( well, maybe this song remind me of him and his ex. ) dang. lol.
If given the opportunity , he would’nt want to let me go. His heart is heavy and sadden to lose me. And yes, i can see that he tried his best not to Let go and hold on to this relationship no matter how fed up he is with me and my attitude i gave him at times. When i loses hope and i can’t seem to express out my rage/mood. i will get so fed up and bomb it all out. And its quite tiring, you know. To do this everynow and then. Its was drizzling when we return the Trishaw-mobile.
We took Bus 16 to PLaza Sing and watched Change-up. Hilarious , that show is. The sweetest things is that.. we were visiting the toy shop at the same very level and i didn’t realise he bought something for me. I was too busy and was focusing on the awesome merchandise and booble heads and comic character statues.
He surprised me when we were in the dark cinema. Its a plush toy Minion.
HAHAHAHAHAH. so cute, looking very retardedly cute. Just like him.
I bought two books from Sunny Bookstore. Excited as i Love Books. And how i wished i owe my own library. where i can hide from my own feelings. Be engrossed in the adventures of the books. And spent endless times in the m. I love the fact that, reading a book can swap me and my soul is at an entirely whole new realm. Thrilling awesome. But sometimes, some depressing melancholic books can truly drain you out and left you feeling hopeless and empty at the end.
After the show, otw back to the bustop we had , as usual our stupid fight again. Argue about me being such a kpo, a busy body. im irrtating to him. and wanting to know more about what his sister or whoever is msging him. haizz. am i that really ?
I know, sometimes, i am always. I am still. Im like a kid. immature and moody and grumpy at all times. Thats y i don’t look pretty, hot or whatver guys sees in other woman. And my outlook is just a shirt/3/4pants cargo and just makeupless. Nothing exciting, boring nlook empty. I feel so worthless and times, when his attention is not on me, i felt like nothing. Therefore, its was a fool of me thinking that cutting the strings attached to us leads to us be contented and relieved of each other burden. We didn’t muttered a single word all the way of the ride home. And the end, the night was cold. No hug, no kiss, no nothing. Just me and my fuck’d up facial expression and a never care less aura. dragging the minion in my hand.
I sleep outside on the couch, different as usual. finding comfort in something else. but I slept with nothing to look forward to the next day. And not knowing what will happen to me in times to come. So, thats about for us. Maybe things will change maybe we’ll get back together. maybe not. Maybe we need to fall out from each other to see if there’s a need to be back together again.
Later, im going to meet a cousin of mine for lunch : prata. After Bbdc Lesson.
But mins before, HiS ( myexguy?weirdtocallhimanythingnow) sister call me . asking me out and stuff. And she mention he’s on off? hmm .. he didn’t tell me that. so F him. Up to him what he wanna do . he should know better what he wants for himself. Now, i am just fucking hungry. and seems like this is one of my longest post ever. so let me end.
P/s :Tumblr is fukkg ard with me . Service is temporarily down.
Sincerely, Alzrythx.
